I received a phone call this week from a person suffering from a tragic loss because of a car accident. I told her I would post about my own path in dealing with grief. First I offer my deepest condolences and I hope something in what I am writing today will in some small way help to lighten the sadness.
As I was thinking about what to say to ease her pain, a note I had shared with my dad after the passing of his beloved wife (my stepmom) came to my mind.
A while back my dad took a note, bent and creased from years folded into his wallet. It turned out to be a note I had sent him years before to ease his sadness. I decided to share parts of this note in the hope that it will offer some solace to others who are grieving. My dad said it was of great help to him, and I guess it was, since he was still carrying it around years after I sent it to him. I have removed the very personal parts specific for my dad.
His grief was so deep it was hard for him to think of moving on in life. His first wife, my mom had passed away many years before, and that grief and sadness was still a heavy weight for him. After his second wife’s struggle with cancer added to his grief and sadness. There was a lot of built up emotion of two loves and two tragic loses.
Below is the note that my dad had saved:
To my wonderful Dad,
Please read this, I hope it might help in some way with the pain and loneliness you are feeling. In this very sad time I realize how hard it is to believe you will ever feel happy again. And grief is normal and expected when you lose someone you love.
I know how much pain and suffering you both went through during the 7 years of fighting cancer. I know that the memories of the pain of watching someone you love suffer keeps you awake at night, and crying in the day. There was so much horror of what she went through, and I see how these pictures are affecting you. They cause you to relive those traumatic memories again and again. Thinking of the trauma isn’t helpful, it doesn’t ease her past suffering, it just re-creates yours.
Thankfully I also hear you telling stories of the many wonderful times you had together, before her illness. Unfortunately almost as soon as you have a moment a joy from those positive memories, the images of pain and sadness, overtake you again. And the tears start to flow.
I am sending you some thoughts I have about another way to think about the memories. I know how hard you tried to ease her pain, the care and love you gave her. I also remember the scary, traumatic time you told me about.
I’m not asking you to forget, just asking you to use your amazing, creative brain in a way that will serve you better than reliving trauma again and again. If reliving the memories would change things then they would serve a positive purpose, but remembering the fear, sadness and trauma re-traumatizes you and unfortunately doesn’t help or change what happened.
One of the beautiful things you taught me, all my life was to look for the “silver lining.” No matter how hard the situation, you helped me to put a positive spin on it. And that helped me to have the positive way of seeing the world that I am thankful for. That has always been one of your wonderful qualities, finding the good even in the most difficult of times and situations. And I hope as you read the words I am writing, that they will remind you of how to do this again, looking for the smallest positives you can from any situation.
I hope you can remember to use your mind and thoughts to bring back the positive memories. Re-creating the sweet joy of your marriage is so much more helpful than focusing on the sadness. And when you do at times remember the trauma and pain, that is OK too, just don’t stay there too long. Imagine the healing taking place in those tears. I know it is a push to do this when you are so sad, yet it really can make a powerful difference in your emotional state.
You said this to me when I was very young and complaining about some hurt I was feeling. You said to me: “We gain more from having thoughts that create pleasant scenes, then ones of pain and sadness.” And I repeat these words back to you.