This will be a two part post about how self-talk can be used to either enhance and quiet the mind, or to tear us down and make us less capable. For today I’ll talk a little about some of my ideas on why we learn to use negative self-talk in the first place. It is ironic, when we most need to be supported, that little voice in the back of the mind seems to be the most cruel. It is when we are fearful, or have doubt that our self-talk tells us all the negative consequences that will result from a mistake we made or might make.
If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably noticed that little voice in the back of your mind. You know the one that act as a narrator, and engages in a constant stream of internal chatter. This internal chatter is known as self-talk.
There are times when this self-talk feels wonderful as it enhances your feelings of well being. When you are feeling sure of yourself the self-talk is encouraging and enhances your productivity. But when you have doubt or fear and you could use some positive encouragement, it seems that is when that little voice becomes louder and louder making you feel worse than you were already feeling.
Why do we do this? What possible purpose does negative self-talk serve. For many people this is a learned reaction.
If you think of babies who are just learning to walk, have you ever noticed what happens when the wobble and fall. Their loving parents clap and support them; with each try they are applauded and told how great they are doing. So, the baby feeling like he is just the most wonderful, successful human, does it again. Even though he or she hasn’t even taken the first step, he or she knows they are just perfect. The doing is the important thing not the end result. And eventually the baby learns to walk, run, skip and jump. And these babies who have parents and caretakers who continue to support them in this positive way, through all their trials will have positive self-talk which they use to motivate themselves.
But for many of us it doesn’t go this way. Our well-meaning caretakers seem to forget how great all that positive reinforcement worked for the baby. For some crazy reason at a certain age a very different way of motivating us comes to play, criticism and negative talk becomes the new way to get us to be our best. So, after they short and wonderful acceptance in babyhood it seems the adult’s expectations change and when we don’t meet up to the parent’s expectations, criticism becomes the new motivator.
It is no wonder so many people berate themselves, saying the most negative things. Yet so many people will hold on to this negative habit, believing that in some way it makes them better people. Of course it is good to look inside and see if there are things we might like to change, but negative self-talk doesn’t really work. If it did, we wouldn’t have to keep doing it. If you are one of the people who believe that beating yourself with negative words is the way to create change, you might want to ask, has all of your negative self-talk helped you to be more relaxed, successful, perfect?
Since it is your own brain you might as well learn ways to be kinder to yourself. The next post will talk about ways to change old negative self-talk and to trigger positive feelings, security and calm. If you would like to start the process of calming the mind:
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Audrey Sussman PhD began her quest to find a way to get relief from anxiety and panic after suffering with panic for many years ago. Now she is a nationally recognized seminar leader and author. Years of study and practice lead to her creating the Transformation System for the relief of panic, phobias, migraines and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.